Those crazy kids known only as the Burbank Historical Preservation Society are back with a brand new video!

For the rest of this week I’ll be at COMICON writing for the wonderful online magazine Comic Book Resources! Come say hello if you are also there; I’ll be the one in the t-shirt with comic book characters on it.

Please enjoy the pilot episode of: General Dentistry

Will Dr. Danny’s General Dentistry practice survive dental love triangles, financial ruin, and sabotage?

Now also found in the Fun Stuff section of this website!

The spam is getting smarter.

Used to be, I’d log into my websites admin panel and discover I had a couple hundred comments waiting.

Fame! I’d think, quickly opening a browser.

Unfortunately, the comments were never from adoring fans. Mainly they were Viagra ads, worded as if written by a stroke-prone Bob Dole. Randomly generated sentences using a computer that spoke english as its second language would also appear, little treats from the inter web that I steadily deleted.

We played this delightful game of post-and-delete, the spammers and I, with little variation for years. They’d surprise me now and then: sometimes spam written entirely in Russian would appear! I once had someone try to comment the whole Cryllic alphabet to a post. They’d ramble, cajole, implore, trying to woo me into complacency by telling me that my post was “of very valuable information to, a good fins of informative like a journaliss!” I ignored it all, always deleting, always marking as spam, never for a second believing that there might be danger lurking under the praise of my “fins righting.”

That is until today…when I logged in and found a joke waiting.

“Did you hear about the reseraunt opening in India?” It asked. “It’s a new Dehlicatessan. Buy Viagra!”

And with that, I sprayed milk out my nose and realized the bastards had got me. Scrolling down the screen, joke after joke appeared:

“What did the sailors say when they saw the boat full of livestock? Sheep ahoy! Prozac cheap for you.”

“What happened to the tap dancer? He fell into the sink! Get Ambien!”

“Allegra. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.”

And on and on. It was like my grandfather spamming me, or a group of 8-year-olds who moonlighted as Cialias dealers. I can only conclude that the spam has evolved, sending me jokes as they have come to understand that I write comedy, and this blog is primarily a funny one (I’m taking your silence as agreement).

Of course, this can only mean that spam is one step away from developing sentience. Becoming aware of its surroundings, it’s changing it’s tactics–adapting to new situations, learning from past mistakes, asking me what goes black and white and black and white and boom (a nun falling downstairs. Free credit check now!). I see a future where Skynet is real, except for instead of wiping out humanity the robots will steal your social security number and buy large amounts of gas with your credit card.

A.I. is here my friends–and it’s discovering puns. Or, as the evolving intelligence known as “Florintanecagh@Adderol.Net” says: “Why do birds fly south? Because it sure beats driving.”

From the producers who brought you MOUNTAINS!!! now comes the most epic weather phenomema of all…RAIN.

Remember when I posted about our friends, the spiders? Though I did the humane thing and immediately filled my car with so much raid I could have knocked out a dog (by humane I mean good for me, the human) it appears our ooky brethren are not finished with me.

Only this time, it’s not our friend the spider. It’s our  frenemy the cockroach.

Ah, the cockraoch! Eating our food, living in our bathrooms and fridges, leaving their filthy trails over everything we own like a relative who won’t go home and is impervious to most poisons! Unfortinately, for some reason people now think its ok to like our indestructible foe.

“It’s like you’re Wall-E!” my boyfriend declared, upon watching a roach scurry into a drain.

Remember that adorable scene in Wall-E where we think Wall-E squished his pet roach but then it pops up again unscathed? Imagine that scene now in your kitchen. With an army of the roaches. While you try to make a bagel.

“Hey!” my friend exclaimed as I futilely stomped on the ground. “It’s like that thing from Wall-E!”

While the Wall-E pro-roach propaganda machine may have suckered others in, it didn’t get me. Raid, roach bait, visits from the exterminator–all were utilized. I became the Jigsaw of the Periplaneta americana world, laying trap after trap after trap for them (you know its good writing when you reference “Saw”). And I did research on my own into how you can kill them.

You can’t! The best you can do is spray and hope that the Cockroach Gods are merciful and leave to pester your neighbors. They leave trails like ants, they swarm like bees, and are more impervious to death than a blockbuster action hero.

Oh, and they also used to be GIANT.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, though. I know there’s life without roaches because I’ve lived that life, known that dream. I’m talking fumigation with the exterminator now, and I hope those assholes of the Order Blattaria understand that I’m coming for them. And when the day comes that I can put food back in my fridge, when I can eat off countertops, when I can open a drawer without fearing the sight of a scurrying shadow, on that day I will look down upon my foe and they will know:

This is not Wall-E.

Current Mood:  weird

Yes I, your intrepid literary heroine, have recently made the move to Burbank, butt of so many of my jokes.

Attracted by the low crime rate and tired of multiple break-in attempts at my North Hollywood home, I sojourned to the Mother of All Suburbs. I now live a quiet life of CozyJambling, interrupted by the occasional truck backfiring, which still racks my “is-that-gunfire?!” sense (you can take the girl out of Highland Park, but you can never erase the gang-activity in Highland Park from her subconscious, as they say).

And on that note, let me know present you with two thrilling Burbankian shorts: The BHPS Origin story, and a word from our sponsor, the Donut Place.

Being sick sucks. It always sucks, but being sick as an adult is the worst. As a child, when you fell ill your parents doted on you, fluffed your pillow, made your soup. As an adult you miss work, have no doting, and the only pillow fluffing is from your head hitting the pillow over and over as you go into a fit of coughing.

Alas, I fell sick last week, spending all of it in bed. With upward mobility or even standing out of the question, I was left to amuse myself by re-reading the stack of comics by my bed and counting down the minutes to when I could take another swig of Nyquil. By some Providence my laptop was also on my bed, so I was able to amuse myself with the internet. Better still, Project Gutenberg had many classic novels online, so I was able to read things. Such as the collected works of Jane Austen.

And there was my mistake.

As everyone knows, a sick girl devouring Pride and Prejudice will inevitably be in want of the 1995 BBC version, starring Colin Firth. Reading the witty repartee of Mr. Darcy made me long to watch the miniseries, mainly because it takes a lot of concentration to read Pride and Prejudice and the Nyquil was doing me no favors. I turned once more to the internet, believing there must be a version of it on Hulu, Youtube, or the BBC itself.

Until that day, I believed the internet a vast thing, an ocean with fathomless depths. Apparently those depths do not contain even an inch of Pride and Prejudice. Of the crappy 2005 movie there were multitudes, sites practically begging me to watch Kiera Knightly slink around screen. But I was not fooled–it was Firth or nothing!

After nearly a day, I had to contend there was nothing. The closest I got was a forum where people lamented the fact it wasn’t online. Not for free, not on the iTunes store, not on Netflix unless I wanted to wait a week for the physical DVD to come.

Sinking, I began trolling bit torrent sites. Hope was giving out, the sky was darkening, I was running dangerously low on Nyquil, when suddenly–there! There was a bit torrent of it! Of the 1995 BBC masterpiece! Of my sick heart’s only desire! I grew happy knowing there were others out there, others I assumed who were also 22-year-old girls wallowing in a bed of filthy tissues for a week!

I started the download! It began! “Oh bit torrent,” I whispered, “How long will it take to unite me with Mr. Darcy!”

5 days! It was going to take me 5 days! I might as well be dead by then! Also, the download froze! Then my computer shut off.

The tears gathering, I used my last card–trying to find it through the LA Public Library system. I couldn’t drive but I could stagger, and stagger down the street I would if the Library on my block had it. I screwed up my face in prayer and entered the keywords: “Pride and Prejudice” “Colin Firth” “1995 BBC miniseries” “NOT Kiera Knightly.”

The results glowed on screen: out of hundreds of branches, only one had the DVD. And that DVD…was…available!

Jubilation! I heaved a mighty cry of joy, which came out as a wobbly hiss due to my sore throat. Seized by a fever other than my physical one, I clicked on the branch to see where it was. Tujunga! How close was Tujunga?

Tujunga was 20 miles away, and 30 minutes of driving. Without traffic.

“I’m home!” my roommate called as she walked in late that night. “I’m going to the store, you want anything?”

Colin Firth as Darcy in the 1995 BBC Pride and Prejudice miniseries, my heart thought.

“Soup,” my treacherous voice croaked.

To be fair, the soup was good. But so is watching the scene were Mr. Darcy walks out of the pond in a wet shirt.

So being sick sucks. Stock up on your vitamin C, eat an apple a day, and if you start to feel a tickle in the back of your throat immediately go to the Tujunga branch of the LAPL and get me their DVD of Pride and Prejudice. You won’t regret it.

Its true! And we have a new video to prove it:

Check it out in HD, keep your eyes peeled for more videos (and an upcoming stage show), and enjoy!

Check out the latest video from the Burbank Historical Preservation Society! Can’t hear well at normal, everyday functions? Well try:

Operators are standing by. Enjoy!

Hey guys! My comedy troupe and Preservation Society of Burbank now has a website! It is:

www.thebhps.com

My site was hacked a day ago, so I’m having some troubles–thanks for staying with me while I figure it all out!