In recent years there have been many things which have fallen under the term “Act of God.” Earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, natural disasters that have no cause other than the random nature of our universe.

You know what’s not an act of god? The Gulf of Mexico oil leak.

The oil disaster taking place on our shore is entirely our fault. Clearly our fault. Brilliantly and embarrassingly and completely mindbogglingly our fault. Despite attempts to shove it under the rug of divine catastrophes by Republican Texas Governor Rick Perry, the Deepwater Horizon leak is in no way, shape or form an “event outside of human control,” as per the legal definition. It was not an Act of God when BP refused to adhere to new rules proposed by the Interior Department regulating off-shore drilling. It was not an Act of God when the rig was found lacking basic blow-out prevention tools because they weren’t mandatory, thus not included. It wasn’t an Act of God when the cement filling in the area cracked, as they were warned it would, nor was it an Act of God that oil spreads, nor was it an Act of God that we were drilling off-shore to begin with. The leak, if anything, is an Act of Stupidity. One of the most prevantable disasters in living memory, every safety precaution available was ignored not by God but by Humans; the Angels did not descend from the heavens to kill off the livelihood of Louisiana.

We, especially in America, are quick to label things an Act of God when it’s obviously an Act of Us. Global warming is not an Act of God when we’re the ones creating the carbon emissions. The hole over the Ozone layer is not an Act of God when it directly sprang from CFCs (and, since we eliminated them from aerosol and other cans, has immediately shrunk to near-obsolescence). The recession is not an Act of God just as the Wall Street crashes are not an Act of God, just as Goldman Sachs and the failure of capitalism is not an Act of God, unless the last one is a result of charging usury (specifically forbidden in the Bible) and God has been reincarnated as a Senator on the GS Fraud Hearings. In which case you’d think there would be more turning into pillars of salt and less angry highlighting of passages from emails (Senator Collins works in mysterious ways).

So where do we get off blaming things that are obviously our fault on this God guy? Like a kid pointing at her brother for spilling the milk (sorry Luke), we’ve descended into a state of national immaturity, passing responsibility faster than a ball in a game of hot-potato. It isn’t just that we label sticking our tongues to freezing poles as an Act of God; we get mad if we have to pay taxes, get vaccines, even vote (no taxation for no representation!). And while it would be easy to blame it on our ADD media, or corporate interests, or terrorism, or capitalism, or socialism, or any number of things, this would accomplish nothing. Because we’d be doing the same exact thing we did before (Rick Perry is an act of God!).

We live in a Republic which, no matter how watered down, demands that The People shoulder responsibility for The People. If we feel powerless then it’s up to us to take back that power, through protests, through votes, through demands to our Government, through boycotts against the interests that threaten our environment. I’m not talking about Tea Parties, those descendants of the Know-Nothing Party, who excel in responsibility-shirking, or about those groups that form around hot-button issues and turn them into stalemates. I’m talking about realizing that our world is messed up, and its our fault. It’s about supporting those who are making a practical difference in our world. A Government is only as good as its people, and if people can get their Acts together, we could make a pretty good Government and a half-way decent planet.

So no more crying that Deepwater Horizon is an Act of God, a disaster no one can be held accountable for. We can hold BP completely accountable for it. But we must also hold our regulation-shy Government accountable too, and hold ourselves accountable for changing it. Otherwise, millions of years from now when intelligent life finally reaches us, there will be nothing left, and our extinction will be recorded in an alien log-book under the heading “Act of God.”

Dear America,

As President of the Society of Things That Crawled Out From Underneath a Rock, I want to present you with my deepest, deepest apologies for the recent actions of one of our members. This is a rarity for us; normally we delight in making you squirm, alternately disgusting you and angering you until you demand that we “Crawl back under the rock we came from.” But sometimes there are actions that even violate our oozy, many-tentacled code of ethics.

To cut to the quick: we apologize for Dick Cheney.

To be fair, when he first joined our society back in the Nixon years (solid Rock-Crawling years), he was a model member. He quietly lurked in the background, oozed into positions of power, icked out all the First Ladies–everything required of a Society candidate. But he has now overstepped his bounds, coming out in public, demanding his moment in the sun.

We shun the sun. It blisters us. We hide under rocks for a reason, oozing out of the shadows to make people want to avoid being in a room with us ONLY when there is an acceptable climate. Like overcast skies, the internet, or the dark gloom cast by a Republican administration. And while some members do cling and insist you listen to them and only them, they do it in a slimy low-key sort of way. By becoming increasingly vocal, dominating airtime, and all-around demanding we give him our undivided attention, he has violated our sacred precepts.

We love making you shudder when we speak, don’t misunderstand us–but we think it’s wrong to creep out a whole nation.

Also, waterboarding? Come on, even we admit that’s torture.

Mainly because when we torture someone, we want them to know. “Oh,” they might say now, “You’re using enhanced interrogation techniques on me.” To which we will reply, “No, that’s straight-up torture,” but they won’t be listening anymore because they’re convinced we’re the CIA.

See how difficult life is going to be for us now?

So in conclusion I, on behalf of The Society of Things That Crawled Out From Underneath a Rock, herby apologize, and promise you that this is the end of our association with Mr. Cheney. We also humbly nominate him for a position in the Society of Crazy Old Coots Who Somehow Still Have Way Too Much Power.

Signed and witnessed by the Board Members:

President: the Oozing Blob

VP: Sandy, Donald Trump’s Hairpiece

Acting Secretary: a bunch of snakes and ooky hairy spiders

Treasurer: Your ex-Boyfriend

Member-at-large: Donald Trump

Ok WORLD! I’m calling you out! Yeah, that’s right,  Cozy Jamble has a few bones to pick with you! Where to start? Oh, I’ll tell you where to start:

RADIO. Here’s the deal RADIO. You stop claiming songs you’ve been playing on loop for over a year are “New Music” and I’ll start listening to stations other than NPR. Also, stop naming all your goddamn girl DJs “Kat.” I’m sick of sassy ,yet extremely boring, female voice personalities screaming their name is “KAT!” and that they “LOVE the new Carolina Liar tack!”

It is not new, and your name is Heidi. If you must DJ it up, then it can be Kheidi.

Shut up.

Hey, speaking of shutting up: DICK CHENEY. You are no longer the shadow President of the United States. This means I shouldn’t have to hear your speak on matters of national importance ever again.

Case closed.

And while I’m at it: TAZO TEA! Your Wild Sweet Orange Tea sucks! It’s like drinking warm Tang. Shape the hell up.

At this point of my rant, I will take a moment to address the problems facing the world. They can be summed up in two words: DISEASE and CAPITALISM. Now, I will fix them.

Hey Capitalism! Knock it off!

Hey Disease! I’ve been playing Pandemic 2 online and really think I understand where you’re coming from. Knock it off!

There! Solved! Blam!

And last on my agenda: MAKERS OF THE ONLINE GAME PANDEMIC 2! Your game is really goddamn addicting! I greatly enjoy it! Good work!

There, done. You may now all go back to your regularly scheduled lives. Except those of you playingPandemic 2. I will see you after I wipe out Madagascar.

Josie’s Positive Note of the Day: After playing Pandemic 2 for several days, I have come to the conclusion that if the Swine Flu actually does turn out to be a global plague  and not just a viral exposé of Mexico’s health care system, Madagascar is the place to go. Way to go DJ Dictator! Please do not name your first lady Kat.

I got really excited when I heard there was a coup to oust the standing President of Madagascar. This is not because I am a fan of coups, or military intervention, or, really, Madagascar (until last week I had thought the island’s population comprised entirely of lemurs). No, what sparked my interest was who the military was going to install.

A 34 year-old DJ.

“DJ PRESIDENT!” I yelled as I walked around the office. “DJ PRESIDENT!” I enthusiastically screamed at friends. “DJ PRESIDENT!” I crowed at perfect strangers, the maniacal drool frothing from my mouth and dropping on the ground to  form the words “DJ President.”

DJ President tickled my fancy the way no political leader or movement has. Young, hip, and armed with mad skillz, I was certain this island nation was on to something wonderful. Our president may be the subject of hipster street art and can make fun of the disabled, but I have no doubt he would be decimated in a one-on-one scratch battle. His street cred has been tacked on by the media, paling in comparison–our Ringo to their Lennon, our Brown to their Sarkozy.

Unfortunately, I did research, AKA read more than just the headline of the BBC article on Madagascar. Apparently DJ President is a horrible man who is destroying the foundation of Madagascar’s democracy, and his rise to power is greatly feared. It was hard to hold enthusiasm after reading comments left by Madagascarians which amounted to “Help, our government is being shut down,” and ” Yes we know he’s a DJ–that doesn’t mean he gets to take away our rights.”

If only DJ President weren’t a force for evil!

Imagine the good he could do, besides make people aware that there were more than lemurs on Madagascar. I see DJ President not as a man but as a movement–a record player in every home, a stereo system in every garage. Mandatory sound experimentation classes, programs devoted to sending other nations the People’s Mix Tapes, wrapped in their homemade Zines. A haven for skinny jeans and headphones, a place where everyone would belong except those who have shitty taste in music. And maybe a man who’d finally rid Madagascar’s of it’s 70% poverty rate!

Unfortunately, such things will never be. I just hope the rest of the world supports Africa in its universal condemnation of his actions–and perhaps this will finally tear the blinders off the UN when it comes to its neglect of humanity’s homeland.

DJ Dictator…to you I dedicate this post.

[SinglePic not found]…Bristol Palin! Bristol is the daughter of ultra-conservative Governor Sarah Palin, a firm supporter of Abstinence Only and the sanctity of marriage! The Award would like to thank Mrs. Palin for raising a daughter who espoused such lofty values by becoming an unwed teenage mother. Sorry, the Award corrects itself: an unwed teenage mother who refuses to marry her baby’s teenage father.

The award can only state how glad it is to have such a wonderful candidate, and looks forward to when Ms. Palin also renounces Christianity, turns vegan, and gets heavily involved in micro-lending.

Congrats!

Today President Obama announced that the United States and the UK had a “special relationship.”

Affirming their relationship, Obama told reporters not only was it important to him, but it was important to “the American people.” He then went on to say that the relationship will “only get stronger” despite what others countries, neighbors, and their parents may say. Naysayers and the BBC doubt the “relationship” will last, though the US insists it will as it is based on “shared values,” and “a love those narrow-minded individuals will never understand.” Experts revealed the “special relationship” began when the US and UK met at the Avalon. They bonded over looking for a “partnership” founded on “determination” and “dancing.” One month, two days and three trips to Fire Island later,  the US and UK are openly saying the relationship is “special AND strong.”  The Church has refused to comment on the “specialness” of the partnership; the “special relationship” will financially benefit the two, though social security pensions will still be a major issue. 

The US and UK’s “special relationship” is not recognized in several states.

Wipe your feet at the door and stay awhile.

As you may be able to tell, I am still working out the kinks of this website and formatting things. But until I get everything just so, please enjoy the site, and the following video I made with friend Jonathan Ade.

Welcome to CozyJamble.